held together, in short, by a dream

I bombed the interview for the undergraduate editor position at my college's literary magazine yesterday. It was mostly a matter of being unprepared. I didn't know what the job entailed, so I went in with a feeling of ambivalence. As the interview progressed, and I learned more about what the duties and responsibilities were I really wanted to land the gig. Either way I'm really looking forward to starting the publishing track of my major next semester. It's a little late in the game, but it's better than never.

I'd like to think I will be capable of getting a salaried job when I graduate. I know it's a pipe dream for anyone with a BA in the Humanities to aspire for a decent entry-level job in this economy, but I'm still going to work towards it. If that doesn't work, I can always scrape by until graduate school?

Meh.

I wonder what it would be like to not be broke all of the time. I've been scraping by for the last two years -barely making rent, and always hungry- living in Harlem. I couldn't even imagine what I would spend my surplus money on, since I've become so accustomed to living by the bare minimum. Somewhere along the line I have also socialized myself in to being violently allergic to consumer culture. The only thing I could see myself really doing with money is stockpiling it for a year or two, then travelling for a couple months and living off of the surplus. I guess that's what I am going to be doing this summer..

All and all, I feel like the accumulation of spiritual wealth has been what has kept me sane and hopeful in my relative economic impoverishment. I used to be bothered by the fact that I couldn't seem to keep my checking account above $100 for more than a week, but now it's just another small worry that I cast aside. I am well knowing that I am establishing, nurturing, and maintaining loving relationships with the people in my life. This is enough to look forward to. Soul sustenance is my fountain of youth, and the culture of love is the blood i bleed.

"How can one, however dream of power in any other terms than in the symbols of power? The boy could see that freedom depended on the possession of land; he was persuaded that, in one way or another, Negroes must achieve this possession. In the meantime, he could walk the streets and fear nothing, because there were millions like him, coming soon, now, to power. He was held together, in short, by a dream-- though it is just as well to remember that some dreams come true-- and was united with his "brothers" on the basis of their color. Perhaps one cannot ask for more. People always seem to band together in accordance to a principle that has nothing to do with love, a principle that releases them from personal responsibility."

-James Baldwin The Fire Next Time